Monty Python and the Holy Jewel
by Aelaer
Summary: A wellwritten Monty Python and the Holy Grail crossover, taking place in a warped Fourth Age of Middleearth… what has the world come to?
1. The Parallelogram Table

Title: Monty Python and the Holy Jewel

Author: Ainu Laire

Rating: PG-13 for some adult content/just in case.

Genre: Humor/Parody

Summary: A well-written Monty Python and the Holy Grail crossover, taking place in a warped Fourth Age of Middle-earth… what has the world come to?

A/N: Background information on the Silmarillion will be good, though it is not necessary. Before you judge, actually read. I blame Monty Python and Tolkien for this fiction ;-)

Also, be warned: I have credits.

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Monty Python nor J.R.R. Tolkien (unfortunately).

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Chapter One: The Parallelogram Table

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The Third Age of Middle-earth has ended… and the Fourth Age has begun.

Mi preshe0us…

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Unfortunately, the Fourth Age is pretty boring…

i 1yk G0lum.

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So King Elessar, ten years after the War of the Ring was ended, and all of the Ring-bearers had passed from Middle-earth…

The jurks. Thay ki1ed G0lum.

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We apologize for the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.

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…He went into deep counsel and devised a brilliant plan…

i d0nt tink G0lum is ded.

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And decided to find the bravest of lords to create the Parallelogram Table!

in fac, G0lum 1s n0w mak1ng a pln 0f reveng…

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We apologize again for the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the sacked have been sacked.

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Monty Python and the Holy Jewel

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Directed by: Ainu Laire

Produced by: Ainu Laire

Screenplay: Ainu Laire

Casting: Ainu Laire

Original Characters: Ainu Laire

Stolen Characters: J.R.R. Tolkien and Monty Python

Plot: Ainu Laire and Monty Python

Editor: Ainu Laire

Camera Crap: Ainu Laire

Art: Ainu Laire

Costumes/Make-up: Ainu Laire

All That Technical Crap: Ainu Laire

Everything Else: The Albert Chrishnagger Family

i lyk turtels…

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Special Thanks To:

ShakiraCrazy (The Obsessive One) and her sister.

HebeJebes (You rock!)

TheNoblePlatypus (because she writes great humor)

Feana Puddlefoot (because I said so)

Ode2Joy (she rocks!)

Molly, Sydney, Ling, Jessica, Caitlin, Gee, Rebecca, Sammy, and all my other friends!

Lindsey (Frodo Fan Girl)

My parents (The silly peoples)

My brothers (Even sillier)

Albert the First, Second, Third, and Fourth (because they are cool!)

My Sauron Plushie

turtels hav funy she11s.

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Absolutely NO thanks to my muses, who didn't encourage me at all. I think I will put them up for sale.

Mi sister ws bit bi a turtel. it ws g0rie… i lykd that turtel.

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We apologize again for the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the ones that were sacked who sacked the first ones that were sacked have been permanently sacked.

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And now, we find ourselves in the Citadel, where King Elessar plans to find the bravest of lords to create the Parallelogram Table!

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"I plan on finding the bravest of lords to create the Parallelogram Table!" the King said with glee from his desk. His wife looked up at him from the book she was reading, _Greatest Women of All Time_. By her side she had _How to Come to Power_, _The Top One Thousand Ways to Kill A King_, _The Top Million Ways to Kill Your Husband_, and _Males: Are They Really All That? _She sighed in annoyance.

"Why not look for the bravest of ladies, dear?" she asked. "The lady Éowyn greatly surpasses her husband."

"Everyone knows that males are smarter and dominant," he countered, looking over some papers on his desk. "We live in a sexist society- get used to it."

She mumbled under her breath something about going to Valinor and talking with the Valar about women's rights. Brushing her long, dark hair aside, she gracefully stood up and walked over to her husband.

"Aragorn, dearest," she said. "Shouldn't you be out searching for the bravest lords for the Round-"

"Parallelogram."

"-Parallelogram Table?"

He paused for a minute, and looked over his documents. A treaty with Harad, trade accounts, bank accounts, taxes, debts… eh, nothing important. He threw it all into the fireplace, and the papers burned merrily. Standing up, he declared, "Yea, I shall find lords for my Parallelogram Table!" A trumpet was heard, and cheers from an unknown dimension echoed in the background.

"Yes, yes, that is all nice, dearest," said Arwen hurriedly, interrupting the cheers and trumpets. "Now, you best leave now and get a head start before the winter storms."

"Good idea!" he stated, and walked through the doorway. Before he left, he looked back at the Queen. "Eh, keep this place in tip-top shape, will you? And please stop those ridiculous women's rights acts. They really are pointless. I mean, Gondor is based on a society one may find from the Renaissance period, in Europe- we see no movement for women's rights until the 19th century, and that's in America."

"All right, Aragorn," she replied.

"Excellent. Fare ye well, my love!" He left the room.

"Sucker…" she muttered under her breath, picking up _The Top Million Ways to Kill Your Husband_.

-

"What do you mean that there are no horses?!" the King demanded.

The stable boy looked up at Aragorn, chewing on a piece of straw. "Yes, milord, a couple o' Rohirrim men came and gave the boss a scroll, something about Gondor not paying their debts for the horses, and just took all of them."

"But Roheryn was mine! I bought her!" the King shouted, his face going red.

"Sorry, but they took 'em all. The boss would know more."

"Where is he?"

"Sorry, can't see 'im."

"I demand to see him!"

"You can't."

"Why not?!"

"He died this morning."

There was an uncomfortable silence. "Oh," King Elessar muttered. He shuffled around. "Well, then… how am I to go riding from land to land finding the bravest of lords for my Parallelogram Table?"

"There's always Patsy," the stable boy said, grinning.

"Who in Morgoth's name is Patsy?!" he demanded.

"You'll see. Follow me, milord."

"This is ridiculous," Aragorn muttered under his breath, following the boy.

-

"I take that back; _this_ is ridiculous," he muttered a day later. Aragorn was pretending to ride a horse, and Patsy, who happened to be a man, was banging two coconuts together, making it sound like a horse trotting. This was the amendment from the real horses that he would have normally used. And, when he usually went out, many men volunteered to go with him. This time, all had backed away and made excuses. He wondered if it were the fact that he had a man banging coconuts together right behind him…

Of a sudden, the mist that fogged his vision cleared and there was a large fortress right in front of him.

"Well, that was unexpected…" he muttered. He stopped, and Patsy stopped as well, giving a little neigh.

A soldier stood on top the wall and looked down through the mist. "Halt!" he yelled.

"I have halted!" the King shouted back at him, slightly annoyed.

"Oh… well, who goes there?!"

"It be Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Elessar Telcontar, the Elfstone, the Envinyatar, the Renewer, the Heir of Isildur and Elendil, King of all Gondor and Arnor, also known as Longshanks, Estel, Wingfoot, Strider, and Thorongil."

There was a moment of silence. "What sort of names are those? I mean, _Longshanks_? Wingfoot? Enviny-whatever?"

"Envinyatar!" he shouted. "And those were received over my long years of travel."

"Why don't you just settle with one name?" the soldier shouted.

"I… well… um… because important people have long names!" he yelled.

"So if I added a bunch of ridiculous titles and names to myself, I would be important? And whoever said you were important?"

"No! And they are not ridiculous! And… hey! I _am_ important! I'm the king of Gondor and Arnor!"

"We don't have a king," the soldier shouted.

"You do too!"

"Since when?"

"Since the fall of Sauron ten years ago!"

"Sauron fell?" The soldier looked confused.

Aragorn looked up at him, dumbfounded. Finally, he managed to ask, "Where _have_ you been?"

"I'm not sure…" The soldier fell silent for a moment, and there was an uncomfortable silence.

"Er… anyhow, I hope you can be of service. My servant Patsy and I have ridden for many leagues, through the harsh winter in search of the bravest lords in the land for my court in Minas Tirith."

"Two problems with that: one, Minas Tirith is a day away, and two, you aren't riding." The soldier crossed his arms and looked at the King sternly.

"Er… never mind about Minas Tirith, but I am riding!"

"A horse?"

"Yes!"

"You are using coconuts!"

"…What?"

"You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together. That's not a horse."

Aragorn looked around nervously. He was told to act like Patsy was a horse, so…

"So what? We have ridden long through the winter snows-"

"Have not. You came from Minas Tirith, which is a day away."

"-and have ridden through terrifying storms-"

"Where did you get the coconuts?"

"-and… er… we found them."

"You found coconuts in Gondor?"

"Yes, but no matter-"

"That's impossible!"

"What?"

The soldier shook his head. "The coconut is tropical. Gondor is a temperate zone."

Aragorn shook his head. "Well, a swallow may fly south for the winter, yet it is not a stranger to this land."

"Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"

"Not at all! It could have been carried."

"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?"

"Why not?"

"I'll tell you why not… because a swallow is about eight inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound, that's why."

Aragorn looked baffled. "Well, it could grip it by the husk…"

"It's not a question of where it grips it," started the soldier again. "It's a simple matter of weight-ratios. A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut."

"Well, it doesn't matter," said Aragorn. "Go and tell your lord that the King is here."

There was a slight pause. Aragorn hoped that he had gotten through to the man.

"Look! To maintain velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. Right?"

Aragorn groaned. "Please go and get me your lord!"

"Am I not right?" The soldier raised an eyebrow.

"I am not interested." He looked around him as to make his point.

Suddenly, another soldier appeared on the wall. Aragorn started to ask him to fetch his lord, but he then started to speak. "It could be carried by an African swallow!"

"Oh yes!" agreed the first soldier. "An African swallow maybe… but not a European swallow, and that's my point."

The second soldier nodded in agreement. "Yes, I agree there… but are there such things as African and European swallows in Middle-earth?"

"No, no, that would make no sense… but that means we have a different type of swallow here… maybe akin to the African swallow? Then it may be able to carry the coconut."

"Are there even such things as swallows in Middle-earth? And coconuts?"  
"I don't know…" The first soldier put his hand to his chin, silently thinking.

The King let out a breath of air. "Can you please ask your lord if he would like to join my Parallelogram Table?!"

The first soldier finally spoke. "But the King has coconuts, so there must be coconuts in Middle-earth-"

"But then again, this world is far from canonical, so there may not be coconuts in Middle-earth," the first soldier countered.

Aragorn sighed, giving up, and turned away to the east.

"True, true…"

"But then again, maybe he lied and he really got the coconuts in Minas Tirith-"

"But where would have those coconuts come from? Sparrows?"

"Oh yes, that's true…"


	2. Monarchy vs Democracy

Chapter Two: Monarchy vs. Democracy

After King Elessar and Patsy had 'ridden' out from the mysterious fortress, they realized that it was going to be quite a while until the reached civilization. Aragorn tried to start a conversation.

"So… um… do you like being a horse?"

"Neigh."

"Nay?"

"Neigh, neigh."

"If you don't like being a horse, then why are you here?"

"Neigh."

"Do you say anything other then nay?"

"Neigh."

"Alright… er… where _did_ you find those coconuts?"

"Neigh."

"Fine!" Aragorn glared at Patsy and that was the extent of their conversation for their whole trip.

-

They finally reached a rebuilt Osgiliath the next day. All threats of winter storms had passed to the North, and people in the Shire and Bree were suffering. No one important heeded them, however.

Osgiliath was not as bad as it was when it was in the rule of the Stewards; it was worse. Sure, everything was rebuilt, but it was rebuilt very crudely (the fall of Sauron caused a lot of celebration, so the population increased greatly within the next couple of years. Thus, they didn't have time to build better homes). Most were living in small straw houses, or in very simple stone houses. The people in Minas Tirith were oblivious to the fact that their whole land was filled with turmoil.

People were dying every day in Osgiliath- it was so ridden with disease and famine that death was quite common. In fact, every week a man came through the town to collect the dead. This particular day, he was going through the Citadel of Death… I mean, Citadel of the Stars… and collecting the dead bodies. He was pushing a large wheelbarrow, and it was already filled with bodies.

"Bring out your dead!" he shouted aloud. Someone groaned. "Bring out your dead!"

A man approached him, carrying an old lady. "Here's someone," he commented.

"That will be one gold coin," the man that was collecting the dead said.

"I'm not dead!" she shouted aloud.

"She said she's not dead," the other replied with a shrug. "I can only take dead people."

The old woman nodded. "Do you hear him? Now you put me down, Baradil, and I hope you know that you are grounded for five years!"

"Mother," the man called Baradil muttered. "Quiet."

"No, you be quiet! You need to show me more respect! I gave you birth! Now you remember that, you!"

Baradil looked at the dead collector with a pleading look in his eyes. "Please, will you not take her?"

"Eh… sorry, I really can't…" he started.

"For two gold pieces?" Baradil begged.

"Um… well…"

"Three? How about four?"

The man with the wheelbarrow finally gave in. He looked around him, found a stray frying pan, and knocked the old woman unconscious.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Baradil said, dumping his mother on the pile of bodies. He gave him four gold coins.

Of a sudden, Aragorn came 'riding' into town, avoiding the manure as well as he could manage. Many people bowed to him, and he rode with his head held high. He did not see the two men or the cart filled with people, and he continued on.

"Who was that?" asked Baradil.

"Must be the King," said the other grudgingly.

"Oh… king of what?"

"Gondor."

"So he's responsible for this town and its state?"

"Most likely."

"Why don't we impeach him if he such a bad king?"

"We're living in a monarchy- we don't vote."

"Oh yea…"

-

King Elessar rode out of Osgiliath, ignoring the mutters behind him of monarchy and impeachment. He came to the skirts of the town, and saw a lone commoner building something, their back turned to him. In the distance was a strange-looking building, something that resembled a large house. It was a beige color, with a white door, glass windows, and a red roof. Smoke came out of a chimney and one bright light came from the interior of the house. The grass beside the place was well kept, and the roses were in bloom. This house did not belong in the area.

Aragorn and Patsy stopped in front of the commoner, but they did not lift their head. Aragorn lifted his head up high, and waited for the commoner to respond to him. They did not.

Aragorn finally decided to get his attention. "Ma'am-"  
"Man! I'm a man!" he responded, turning around.

"Oh, sorry, you looked like a woman from this angle-"

"You could have asked for my name, you know," he said with scorn.

"I already said I was sorry," Aragorn countered. "Anyhow-"

"You still haven't asked for my name," he interrupted. "That is just rude."

"I'm in a bit of a hurry, so I don't have time-"

"Don't have time to make pleasantries with me? What, am I inferior to you?" The man glared at him.

"Well, I _am_ king-"

"Oh, king, eh? And I bet you have a lovely palace with servants and guards and no work at all, while we here in Osgiliath spend every hour of our waking life trying to survive. Y'know, you should be thinking more about the people and how to improve their lives; how do you expect any progress?"

"I do-"

"And you still haven't asked me my name! That is certainly very, very rude."

"Oh, fine! What be your name?"

"John Ronald Reuel Tolkien, and you should be happy for my existence."

"Why should I be happy for your existence?"

"Never mind that, Thorongil-"

"How do you know of that name?"

"Long story. Anyhow, don't you want to know more about me? I mean, you should want to get to know your people, you know. Why are you exploring the lands? Are you actually going to improve the area?"

"Well, I was actually looking for lords for my Parallelogram Table." Aragorn beamed.

"Oh, that's nice. Though that is a copyright issue; Arthur came up with the Round Table quite a while ago… did you get permission?"

"I am king; I can do whatever I want!"

"There we go with that king thing again. You know what this is?" John held up the strange device in his hand. "This is a typewriter. I am going to fix this old thing and change Gondor's monarchy into a democracy, complete with elections and women's rights."

"You better!" someone shouted. The two men looked up from their conversation and saw a woman approaching.

"Hello, Edith. Look who's here."

"Oh, hello Estel," said Edith.

"How did you-"

"Don't you worry about that," said Edith. "Now, John, you are going to have modern day women's rights, correct?"

"Not with the women's rights again!" groaned Aragorn. "Arwen is already complaining on women's rights. How she found out about the starts of it in America I-"  
"How do you know of America?" John asked him.

"I'm not sure," replied Aragorn. "I just do."

"Oh." There was an uncomfortable silence.

"So… who lives in this strange place?" asked the King.

"We do," said Edith.

"Where did you come up with such strange designs?"

"This is how every house looks like in Britain," said John. "We made some blueprints of the foundation, and built it from scratch. Unfortunately, we cannot get electricity, but we do have oil lamps, water from the river, and other things."

Aragorn nodded. There was yet again an uncomfortable silence.

"Oh… well, I'm going to rewrite this after I get this done, so you better be on your way, Aragorn. I need to get in modern technology, women's rights, democracy, and other modern advances into this world…"

Aragorn gave the two a strange look, shrugged, and rode away with Patsy.

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RESPONSE TO REVIEWS:

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ShakiraCrazy: I know no turtle has bitten you ;-) Of course you were thanked! You are my best buddy ever! :-D Arwen does rock! Well, I'm glad you liked :-)

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The Noble Platypus: Ha, I love the music - Of course you were in it! You so totally rock! XD I know… POTR be darned… that has so died out. I just have no inspiration to continue I have so many other ideas, its not funny!

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Lindsey: Coconuts! Hehe, there is a huge part on coconuts in the movie, like this. You do need to see the movie! And Aragorn is so stupid its funny! XD

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BubbleBubbleGumGum: Thanks! I really do appreciate your review! :-D

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Orliey: AH! Another O.B. fan! hides LOL. Anyhow, I am glad you liked it. I do think I will finish… I hope I do. This story I particularly like.

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Leggy's lover: AH! Not another Legolas fan girl! hides :-P I am glad you enjoy it!


	3. Dareth Thee Cross thy Bridge?

A/N: Hey, thank you everyone for your support! :-D

BTW, Aragorn is my favorite character… then why am I bashing him so and making him an idiot? Because it's fun! -

Disc: See chapter one.

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Chapter Three: Dareth Thee Cross thy Bridge?

After King Elessar rode away from the strange couple, he came upon the wide Anduin but a few moments later. In years long past, Osgiliath used to be on both sides of the river. Unfortunately, huge flooding problems after the War of the Ring made it impossible to rebuild the city on the banks of the river, so there only remain ruins of majesty long forgotten.

However, they did manage to build a sturdy bridge that went from one side of the river to the other. Amazingly, it has actually lasted for the last ten years.

Aragorn came to the edge of the bridge, and saw a startling sight. On the middle of the bridge was one of his own captains, clad in the armor of the White Tower, and another soldier, clad in black, and on his helmet painted the Eye of Sauron. They were in a furious battle, sword against sword. The King watched, impressed, as the black knight dodged a blow from his own soldier, and then watched his own soldier dodge a blow to the head.

Of a sudden, the black knight swung around his sword and sliced off the other's head. Aragorn raised his eyebrows, very impressed, and nodded as he saw his captain's body being thrown into the river. The head the black knight kicked up in the air like a soccer ball, and he kicked it in Aragorn's direction. Aragorn dodged the head, and took a glimpse at it as it rolled down the bank and into the river. Giving a nod to Patsy, he rode up to the black knight.

Aragorn looked at the black knight with curiosity. He seemed a very familiar face… oh, it didn't matter. The King, head held up high, started to speak.

"You fight my own men in their own lands, alone, and with much bravery. You fought one of my greatest captains, and defeated him. My congratulations to you."

The man stood still and silent. His eyes could not be seen.

"I be Aragorn, so of Arathorn, Elessar Telcontar, the Elfstone, the Envinyatar, the-"

"Doeseth thee dareth speaketh to me?" the man interrupted.

"Yea, dareth I do," responded Aragorn. "I be, after all, thy King."

"Nay, no man mayeth be my King," he responded.

"Whyeth then, lord, doeseth thee have the Eye painted on thy helmet?"

"He be-eth not thy King."

"Iseth that proper Middle English?"

"English doeseth not exist in Middle-earth, fool be thee. This be a mere translation of Westron."

"There be-eth only one man thateth speaketh Middle English in Middle-earth… and dareth call me a fool… the Mouth of Sauron, you be!"

"Yea, he I be," the Mouth of Sauron replied.

"Theneth why not thee speaketh in normal English-"

"Westron."

"-Westron?" Aragorn asked.

"Thee doesest not know?"

"Nay."

"Well, I shall explaineth to thy's simple mindeth. Talking in Middle English-"  
"Westron." Aragorn interrupted.

"-Westron maketh me seem much moreth intelligent and Middle-earth like."

"It make thee sound liketh a fool."

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Well… it makes you sound like a fool too!" the Mouth of Sauron said, sticking out his tongue.

"Then let's stop speaking like fools!"

"We have stopped!"

"Then let's get to the point!"

"Ok, what's your point?"

Aragorn held himself up right. "I seek the bravest of lords to come and join me in Minas Tirith for my Parallelogram Table. Will you join me?"

The Mouth remained silent. There was more silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Yes, more silence.

Aragorn raised an eyebrow.

Patsy twitched.

A bird looked down at them and crashed into a tree.

Someone reading this yawned.

And finally, the Mouth of Sauron said, "No."

Aragorn woke up, and looked at him. "Oh, well, you sadden me. Come along, Patsy-"

"None shall pass."

"What?"

"None shall pass."

"I have no quarrel with you, lord-"

"Actually, you do. Remember the Black Gates ten years ago?"

"No, actually-"

"Sauron?"

"What?"

"What about Sauron? I was his Mouth."

"Sauron had a mouth?"

"You don't remember me?!"

"No… well, yes, I did a minute ago, but the silence made me forget. Who are you?"  
"I'm the Mouth of Sauron!"

"Oh, really?"

The Mouth of Sauron fumed, and finally snapped. He pulled out his sword and went for Aragorn. Aragorn jumped out of the way, and the sword hit the stone bridge.

"Now, couldn't we-" The Mouth of Sauron swiped for him again, and he jumped away. Patsy ran down the bridge and hid behind a well-placed tree. "Couldn't we settle this-" Another jump. "-like civilized-" A duck. "-people?" He ducked again. "Well, then, so be it!" Aragorn pulled out his sword, and swiped for the Mouth of Sauron.

A 34.3 second battle more furious than anything any reviewer here has ever seen took place. Unfortunately, it was so furious that we have to skip over it and go to the less-than-furious parts.

Aragorn sliced off the Mouth of Sauron's left arm. The Mouth of Sauron looked at it with curiosity.

"Now stand aside, worthy adversary! I need to cross the bridge," said Aragorn, moving to pass him.

"I said none shall pass, and I mean it!"

"I have defeated you, and since I have, I get to pass!"

"Have not!"

"Have too!"

"How?"

"Look at your arm!"

The Mouth of Sauron looked at his arm. "'tis but a scratch!"

"Is not! Your arm's cut off!"

"I've had worse."

"Have not!"

"Come on, you pansy!" the Mouth charged at him.

A battle of 11.6 seconds took place, but too terrifying to put into words. Then Aragorn cut off his right arm, and both the sword and arm fell to the ground.

Aragorn stood himself upright. "Victory is mine!" He then kneeled, and started to chant, "I thank the Valar and Eru for giving me… hey!" The Mouth of Sauron had just kicked him. "What think you are doing?"

"Come on then, let's get to it!" The Mouth started circling him.

"Get to- ouch! Stop kicking me!"

"What, had enough?"

"You stupid bastard, your arms are off!"

"'tis but a flesh wound." He kicked him again.

"Stop it, or I'll have your leg!"

He is kicked again.

"You asked for it!" Aragorn chopped off his left leg, and the Mouth of Sauron bounced around, trying to keep his balance.

"I'll give you that," said the Mouth.

"You'll what…?"

"Come on, let's get to it!"

"What are you going to do, bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible!"

"You're a loon."

"The Mouth of Sauron always triumphs! Have at you!"

Aragorn rolled his eyes and chopped off the other leg. The Mouth of Sauron's body stands upright.

"Alright, we will call it a draw," he said.

Aragorn rolled his eyes again. "Come, Patsy."

The Mouth of Sauron turned his head as they crossed the bridge. "What, running away? You cowardly bastard! Come back here! I will bite off your legs!"

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RESPONSE TO REVIEWS:

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Lindsey: Yay! I hope you enjoy it :D Yes, Edith is Tolkien's wife.

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Vilya: Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed :-D

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The Noble Platypus: Oh, I really hope so. I just can't get to it. I started a new document today, and just stared blankly at the screen for five minutes -- Yes, these are the only three that I am going to be working on for now (and not even PotR, really), so hopefully I will get one of these done before summer's end. Nope, not Lurtz!

Paul Frank is MY friend: … sure… :-P Thanks!

Eleclya111: You know who John and Edith are, right? :-P I'm glad you enjoyed

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Orliey: I've seen a couple of those stories… haha, he is probably rolling in his grave, the poor guy :-P

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BubbleBubbleGumGum: Thanks! -

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ShakiraCrazy: Yes, he should! Legolas comes in a couple of chapters… hehehehe… it's good to be the author - And I did do it- it's the computer's fault --


	4. Of Witches and Minstrels

A/N: Hey, thanks to all reviewers!

Disc: See Chapter One

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Chapter Four: Of Witches and Minstrels

Aragorn left the Mouth of Sauron (or what was left of him), and rode south to Emyn Arnen. Hopefully he would find some brave lords here.

They approached a village, complete with muddy, ruined homes, dirt roads, and some huge castle-type place hovering over it. Aragorn rode through the town, but was surprised to find nobody in sight. He shrugged, and headed over to the castle.

At the castle, he saw a befuddling sight. All of the men of the town (and some women and children as well) were gathered around the front of the castle. Standing atop a soapbox was a man. He looked slightly troubled. Aragorn rode up to the crowd, and blended within the smelly villagers.

"You are saying you have found a witch?" the man asked to the townsfolk.

"Yea, we found a witch! Can we burn her?!" a couple shouted, followed by many 'yeas'.

"How do you know she is a witch?" he asked.

"She looks like one," they replied.

"Alright, bring her forward," the man replied.

She was brought forward, and the man stared. "Éowyn?! You're a witch?!"

"Am not!" she yelled back.

"Are too!" the townsfolk replied.

"Yea, she makes awful spells, rides brooms, looks like one, and… and… she is from Rohan!" one commented.

The crowd started muttering to each other, whispering, "Rohan. All witches come from Rohan, yes, she must be a witch."

"That is sexist and prejudice!" she screamed. "Faramir, you will NOT let this happen, will you?" She turned to the man on the soapbox.

"Well… um… you do look a bit like a witch…" he muttered, scratching his head. She sighed, rolled her eyes, tore off the carrot attached to her face, and took off the witch's hat. "Oh, now you look normal," Faramir said. "But you _are_ from Rohan…"

Éowyn glared at him. "Oh, if all witches come from Rohan, then why did you burn that girl from Bree last week?"

"Oh, well, she had red hair, and people with red hair are witches," he replied.

"Even men with red hair?" she asked.

"Oh, no, men are perfectly fine. Only women are to be-"

"UGH!" She pushed Faramir off the soapbox and stood up on it. All of the townsfolk turned to her with curiosity and suspicion. "Listen up, everyone! I am tired of this sexism! I am tired of this intolerance towards women! All you women out there: if you are tired too, follow me to join in the Queen's women's rights movement!" With that, she jumped off the box and pushed her way through the crowd. By the time she got out of town, about a dozen of women trailed behind her.

The townsfolk left the area, mumbling, and all that stood left was the man called Faramir, Aragorn, Patsy, and the soapbox.

Aragorn approached Faramir, Patsy trailing behind him, and stood in front of him. Faramir, however, did not notice. He was too busy mumbling to himself upon the soapbox.

"…leaves me to fend for the kids… stupid women's rights acts… men are dominant, anyhow…"

"Good lord, who is so wise as in to witches," started Aragorn. Faramir looked up, and stood.

"My lord," he said, bowing. "What brings you to Emyn Arnen?"

"I look for the bravest and wisest of lords for my Parallelogram Table," he said with much pride. "I am Aragorn, son of-"

"I know who you be, lord," Faramir said with a smile.

"Oh?" Aragorn asked. "And how may that be?"

Faramir's smile dimmed. "Lord, you healed me." Aragorn looked confused. "In the Houses of Healing…" Silence. "Remember? The Black Breath, the athelas…?" Aragorn shook his head. "You know, Faramir?" Aragorn shook his head again. "Your Steward?" Aragorn gave a questioning look. "Boromir's younger brother, wife of Éowyn, son of Denethor?!"

"Oh!" Aragorn suddenly nodded in recognition. "Yes. Faramir the Weak, son of Denethor the Pyromaniac." There was an uncomfortable silence. "Well, that's what everyone in Minas Tirith calls you."

Faramir gave an unsure nod. "So… my lord… why have you not called for me these past ten years? It has been a bit dull, burning a witch a week, raising the rowdy kids, standing Éowyn's blows…"

"I feel your pain," Aragorn sighed. "I live with Arwen."

"Who?"

"Arwen… daughter of Elrond Peredhel, Undómiel, the Evenstar, my very distant cousin, my foster sister and my wife?"

"Oh, that woman. The elf, I think. Thought you would have dumped her long ago."

"I would have, but Elrond would have killed me."

"Yes, in-laws are quite a pain. Thank Eru I don't have to deal with any."

"What about Éomer?"

"Damn it, I forgot about him."

"Yea…" Aragorn sighed.

"So, anyhow, why haven't you called for me?" Faramir asked.

"Sorry, Faramir, it has slipped my mind. Been busy, you know?" He coughed. "Anyhow… you seem to fit the position of being a lord for the Parallelogram Table. You understand witches and are against women's rights. Will you join me?"

"I shall, my lord. I am honored."

Faramir knelt, and Aragorn took out his sword to knight him. "Then I dub you, Faramir son of Denethor, a lord of the Parallelogram Table!" A trumpet sounded, and cheers from an unknown world were heard.

"Wait," cut in Faramir, "what of my children? Éowyn just ran off!"

"Leave them. I am sure they can take care of themselves," Aragorn said. "Now, can you go get your horse?"

"Er…" Faramir shifted his eyes. "We have none."

"What?"

"Rohan cut off our supply of horses, and Éowyn set all of our own ones free. She claimed that they spoke to her, and they begged of freedom." Aragorn shook his head and sighed. "But… I do have Petunia."

"Whom?" the King asked.

"Hold on," Faramir said, running back into his home. After a few minutes waiting, he came out from the backyard, leading a woman holding many bags and coconuts. Patsy's eyes widened, and he made a strange sound.

"Here is Petunia," said Faramir. "She shall provide all the effects of a horse, just like yours."

Aragorn gave a small nod. "Alright. Then shall we go?"

"We shall go," he nodded. They gestured to their 'steeds', and took off to find more willing participants to join the Parallelogram Table.

-

"Where do we go, my lord?" Faramir asked Aragorn when they were out of the village.

"We go to find more brave lords for the Parallelogram Table," he replied.

"I see. But where shall we find some?"

"Where do you suggest?"

"Hmm… well, there are no other men I can think of in Ithilien… unless if my lord is looking for elves as well?

"Elves? Such as?"

"Why not Legolas? He dwells here, as you know."

"Of course! Come, let us head to his dwelling!" Aragorn started galloping, when all of a sudden, he heard very lovely music. He stopped Patsy, and looked back at Faramir. Faramir rode up to him.

"Wood elves," he whispered to the King.

Of a sudden, there came into sight many elves, all dancing, singing, or playing an instrument. At the head of the group playing a lute was Legolas. An elf behind him was singing a song.

"All the elves have fled to the Sea,

Where lies much peace beyond all sight.

The Dark Lord Sauron made them flee,

They dare not oppose his mighty might.

Though lovely all the elves may seem,

Cowardly, in truth they be

Except the few that stayed, I deem

To help men out, can you not see?"

The elf was to give another verse, but suddenly Legolas stopped playing the lute and bid his minstrels to stop. He ran over to the two men and looked them over. He gave them both a large grin, saying, "Aragorn, Faramir. It is so good to see you both."

"My friend," Aragorn commented, putting a hand on the elf's shoulder. Legolas did the same, and nodded his head to Faramir. Faramir gave a small bow in response.

"What brings you to Ithilien?" the elf asked the king.

"I am in search of the bravest of lords for my Parallelogram Table. Will you join me?"

Legolas grinned and nodded. "But of course! Can I bring my mistrals along?"

"The more the merrier!" Aragorn said, grinning as well. "But do you have a horse?"

"Nay," he replied. "Rohan has cut off our supply of horses."

"Same with us," Faramir replied. "But we have coconuts, so it's alright."

"I have coconuts!" Legolas said with glee. "Elmir, take out the coconuts and start banging them together!"

One of the elves, presumably Elmir, looked at Legolas strangely, shrugged, and brought out some coconuts.

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" shouted Aragorn. "Come, let us go to Rohan and demand of the King to give us back our horses!"

"And ask him to join the Parallelogram Table," added Faramir.

"Yea, that too. Come, let us depart!"

And now there were three… plus three 'horses' and five mistrals…

===============================================================

RESPONSE TO REVIEWS:

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Orliey: My thanks! Those scenes were both favorites of mine as well ;-)

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The Noble Platypus: Thanks for the review! Hopefully I will be able to keep up the rate.

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BubbleBubbleGumGum: I will look at your story when I have time :-)

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Lindsey: No problem. Thanks for the review ;-)

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Ode2Joy: Aw, it's ok hugs I am glad you are enjoying it so far. Oh yes, I think any humor-writer loves bashing their favorite characters :-D Thanks!

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Vilya0: Thanks for the kind review

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Elecllya111: One of my fave lines as well - I think that scene was hard for EVERYONE to understand ;-)

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Eowyn0734: You are correct! Bedevere it is ;-) LOL, but it does sound like Bedemir… :-P Anyhow, I was planning that from the beginning because Bedevere is like Arthur's first guy, and Faramir is like that to Aragorn when he's King. Good job to you and your friend for figuring it out ;-)

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MyOnlyCat: Good line, but it will not be exactly like the movies, as you can see. The women's rights thing has been since the beginning- it will be a continuous theme ;-)


	5. Journey to Rohan

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get a chapter out. My life has been hectic, not to mention I had lost the inspiration to write…

Can anyone recommend me some really funny LotR fictions? I need some humor. Or Aragorn angst. I want some Aragorn angst as well… if you can recommend anything, I would be very grateful!

Recap: _Aragorn, the King of Gondor for now 10 years, searches the land for lords to join his Parallelogram Table. Thus far Faramir and Legolas have joined, along with three 'horses' and a band of minstrels. Meanwhile, Éowyn had gone to Minas Tirith to join Arwen in her women's rights movement._

Disc: See Chapter One.

…

Chapter Five: Journey to Rohan

The King of Gondor, the Prince of Eryn Lasgalen, and the Prince of Ithilien rode on towards Rohan, where they hoped to get a reliable source of transportation. But for now, they'd have to play pretend… but why did they have to? Because it's funny, that's why.

They rode the main road of Ithilien due North, making for the Cross-roads. Once they reached the Cross-roads, they planned on cutting northwest through Ithilien to reach the fords of Cair Andros quicker. There, they would cross the Anduin and follow it upon the west bank until they arrived at the beginning of the river Entwash, where they would follow its winding path to Rohan and thus to Éomer's halls.

The trip would be long, they all knew, but worth it. Though they trek for over three hundred miles without much rest, they did it in the name of the Parallelogram Table, and for the good of all Middle-earth. And not to mention, of course, the fact that they wanted their horses back.

After a couple of days of easy going, they reached the Cross-roads. The road so far had been easy going and peaceful, with new shoots finally springing upon the beaten dirt as they hadn't done for many years. Old trees that had not been cut down by orcs but were still severely maimed on Mordor's borders were once again filled with life. Indeed, ever since the coming of the Elves to Ithilien, the place seemed lovelier than ever before. Always in the background as they traveled was the chirping of birds and the light singing of Legolas' minstrels.

The Cross-roads looked in much better condition than when Aragorn last saw them ten years ago. The old statue of the king had been fully restored, and the trees did not look dark and gnarled. Flowers were all in bloom around the statue, and Aragorn smiled at the majesty of kings.

To the east, but a few miles away, lay the old city of Minas Ithil, or Minas Morgul. Though dread and sorcery still linger in the former layer of the Witch-king, the place did not seem nearly as formidable as ten years ago. To make the place even less, Gondor has been striving to rename it. Aragorn's suggestion of calling it 'Minas Elessar' was quickly put down. Finally, Gondor's officials decided to name it 'Minas Happy Place', but the name still hasn't been taken up by most of the people.

They camped out at the crossroads for the night, and then headed to the fords of Cair Andros. While they crossed through Ithilien, they surprisingly came upon no one. Their passing was slow and unnoticed, which was a nice change from their busy lives.

Finally, they came upon the fords of Cair Andros at the ending of the fifth day of their travel. Right next to the Anduin was a small establishment but a few years old. This small fishing community was faring much better than Osgiliath, probably due to the fact that it was near more resources and lived next door to the Elves of Ithilien.

A bridge had been built connecting the western shore to the eastern shore. In the middle was the island of Cair Andros, where was being built a smaller village. Aragorn and his companions received many bows and murmured 'my lords' as they headed over to the newly built inn on the island.

To say that the innkeeper was surprised would have been an understatement. He immediately prepared bed for the lords with pride, and sent his son to prepare bed for the horses with confusion.

Once Aragorn, Legolas, Faramir, and the minstrels were seated, and the horses were sleeping peacefully in the stables, the wife approached the large company.

"What will it be, honnies?" she asked in a practiced voice. She took a quill from behind her ear and held a piece of parchment in her hand. She stared questionably at the group.

One of the minstrels spoke… or, sang… up.

"What shall it be, what shall it be?

What shall I eat, what shall I eat?

What shall I have, what shall I have?

Fruits, breads or meats, fruits, breads or meats?"

The other four minstrels sang along.

"What shall we have at this time?

What shall we dine on?

What shall we feast at this bench?

Apples or chick-on?"

The first minstrel was about to sing another verse when the woman cut him off. "Look, we already have the local children's choir sing 'Twinkle, twinkle, Eärendil' every Thursday, we don't need-"

The first minstrel started on another song.

"Twinkle, twinkle, Eärendil

I really want your silmaril

Brightly shining through the night

Brings love, life, and lots of light

Twinkle, twinkle, Eärendil

I really want your silmaril."

"Shut up!" she glared at the minstrel, and then at Legolas. "I don't care who you are, but I don't want no men-"

"Elves," he corrected.

"-Elves singing in my inn!" She pointed her quill threateningly at Thranduil's son. "Now, are you gonna make an order or make me stand her like a servant here all night?"

-

They left early the next morning, catching a few of the fishermen going to the docks, or merchants opening their shops, or even children skipping merrily to school (if that's possible). They left the town with little incident, and with their horses fresh, and supplies restocked, they went with higher spirits and renewed confidence that they would find even more lords to join the Parallelogram Table.

…

Not too funny, but I was slightly brain dead.

RESPONSE TO REVIEWS:

None, as it has been near five months and I am too lazy…


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